“Stop Trying to Coach Me!” - 7 key ways to identify when coaching is not the right thing for your direct reports

I recently taught coaching skills classes for some leaders at my organization.  In some of the feedback I received, someone brought up a challenge she was having with one of her direct reports. She was having a tough time recognizing when it is appropriate to coach and when it is not.

I’ve coached for so long, that it kind of comes naturally to me to know when I should put on the coach hat. For others who aren’t used to using the techniques, it can be more confusing.  On top of that, it’s a lot of fun to use a new skill ALL the time,  especially, when you see how effective it can be when working with direct reports. Plus, there’s the urge to want to want to practice coaching all the time.

It’s important to remember that coaching is just one of the arsenal of leadership skills, and not the only way to work with your team.  Not all moments are coachable, and not all people are coachable. Your employee needs to be in a receptive mindset in order for coaching to work.

Below, I’ve listed a few instances when coaching would not be the right approach at first, but how the situation can become coachable moments later on.  

1. Urgency – Threat: Coaching takes time and you don’t always have it.  If you are in a threat situation or there is an urgent need to work fast, you will have to be direct.  There is always time for coaching once the crisis is over. As a matter of fact, coaching would be a great choice to use for a crisis event post-mortem.  At this point you can do a lessons learned, including what worked, what didn’t, what would we do differently and finally, what can we do to anticipate in the future to avoid crisis mode. It’s all about balance and determining what is or is not a crisis.  More often, we treat things as crisis even when they aren’t. 

2. Victim: When your direct reports feel and act powerless they will be unable to commit to an action plan. When people feel they have no power to change they won’t do anything.  They will spend their time  making excuses rather than taking action.  At this point you will need to show them what is possible by turning the victim mentality around.  Find places for them to have small wins and perhaps a collaborator who has a pro-active mindset.

3. No Sense of Ownership: Something goes wrong and they blame everyone and everything.  You will hear phrases such as: “It’s not my job,” “That’s not my area,” “I had nothing to do with it.”  Accountability belongs to someone else in their eyes.  It’s similar to “victim.”  The difference is that a victim accepts responsibility and feels unable do anything.  Someone who has no ownership feels that they aren’t responsible.  As a leader it’s up to you to either make them see their part or assign it to them.

4. Capabilities Gap: You will create a lose-lose situation if you try to coach someone in an area where they have no skills or knowledge.  It can affect esteem and make you frustrated.  Since coaching is about discovery, you can deflate your direct reports if you continue to question in an area where they just don’t have the answers…yet. When you find people are at a loss for solutions and they’ve exhausted resources trying to find answers, this may be the time to either teach or get them the training they need.  With that said, coaching can identify the need to increase skills and knowledge. 

5. Limiting Beliefs: What you believe to be true is true.  Belief systems will hold them back.  Whether it’s a belief about themselves, the team, the department, or the organization, or even about the world.  Biases make us incapable of opening our minds to possibilities.  If you run into this stumbling block there could be fit issues.  Review whether this person has the right values to be on your team or at the organization. 

6. Lack of Self-Awareness:  If you ask questions about how he feels and he says he doesn’t know, it could show a lack of self-awareness.  (Or it could be honesty, see below.)  If he can’t see how he contributes to problems and wins, then it’s time to share your point of view about what you see in your direct report.  It’s up to leaders to give feedback and to share expectations.  When you give feedback, it’s best to stick to observable behaviors and how you interpret those behaviors.  This might help spark the conversation.  You also may want to consider using outside coaching services by someone who can assess the situation objectively and give insight..

7. Lack of Trust and Honesty: If your direct report doesn’t trust you then you will never get honest answers.  Work on the trust first before trying to coach.  Plain and simple.

There are more examples out there and these might be some of the easy ones to spot in your busy day.  If anyone has other scenarios, please share!

With practice and time, it will become easier to spot and take advantage of a coachable moment!

I try not to get emotional!

My husband and I began shopping for investment real estate before we were married and before we even owned a house to live in. We lived in Manhattan but wanted to buy a three or four-unit apartment building upstate. Taxes, rent and future flips propelled us. We did great on our first building, making a profit. It's because of Micheal more than me - why? Because he is not emotional when it comes to business.


When we were shopping for buildings, he told me rule number one was: "Don't fall in love with any house." It's only investments and we had to make smart choices and had nothing to do with how a house made us feel. We must buy with our heads.

I would always look as houses from the point of view - "would I live here?" Most of the time the answer was no but, I started to see what Micheal was saying. The place we bought I would never live in but it turned out that we got great rent, we upgraded cheaply and sold at a profit!

Because I create and believe in what I do, I take it very personally. If I get the slightest criticism, I start to doubt myself. If I get praise, I should note the learning experience instead of letting it stroke my ego. I'm trying to learn instead of react.

I also try to not make decisions based on what I want to do but rather, what would make the most sense economically. I would love to go to a million vendor shows, have a booth and talk to everyone that comes by our table. However, some of the shows are very expensive, so instead, I buy a ticket and walk about with business cards and brochures and I pick up other's cards. With the cards I collect, I send them emails to ask them to join my non-profit. It's a lot of work to walk around and approach strangers. It's easier to let them come to me. Yet, it was cheaper and hopefully, will produce the same results.

I would like to hire a web designer and manager but, it's not the best use of business funds right now, so I do all the work. It gets frustrating, tiring and I will hire at some point but, right now I need to do the financially sound thing.

Emotions in business can be a good thing - the whole go with your gut thing...but, your head is a better bet.

The Work at Home Fantasy

In the first part of 2008 I worked at a non-profit healthcare company as a trainer and leadership coach. My mother-in-law lived with us full time, took care of my two girls and she was fantastic! I'm one of the lucky ones that gets along with her MIL.

Then it turned into a crazy year.

1st - My MIL decided that she wanted to move out and be on her own. She had been living with us for three years after her husband died and now wanted to be on her own for a while. She just wanted to be Grandma instead of the nanny. I TOTALLY understood. But, of course, focused on my problem of childcare. I worked in non-profit, which translated to not-much-pay. My take home would barely cover childcare in Westchester, NY. So, I started job hunting and setting myself up for the possibility that I'd be a stay-at-home mom.

2nd - My husband got laid off. He was one of the early casualties of the great bank tank of 08. He is in very specialised area where not many do what he does so, he took the summer off and played around with an antiques business. I continued to look for a new job. Even though I didn't get paid much, I at least had cheap family insurance.

3rd - At the end of August I got laid off. Oh crap. Well, Micheal decided that he'll have to go back to banking. He's still looking.

4th - While at a wedding and traveling in France, (we went because it was already mostly paid for) we found out that Lehman Brothers folded and AIG was on the brink of disaster. All that you read about in the papers about credit default swaps - those were the transactions that my husband worked on - also known as derivatives. He wasn't one of the sales guys making millions but one of the lawyers explaining that they were taking too much risk! He'll probably never make it back to banking.

5th - I go full force with job hunting. I gotten several rounds of interviews with at least 8 companies. A few of them I was the top 2 candidate. No offer has come.

So now, here I am. I think to myself. I should just start my own company. Looks like a better bet at this point.. I can take care of children and make some money.

LOL LOL LOL

What a fantasy. I'm not doing the best at taking care of my children. They watch waaaay too much TV. They are only 2.5 and 4. They need lots of attention. I'm not doing the best at my work. I have two of them and I'm not earning any income. Sigh. It's is not possible to take care of your kids and work at the same time. It is not possible. The kids want you when you are on the phone. They must think the computer is permanently attached to my hands. I can't concentrate with the constant interruptions.

I need childcare to keep them busy while I get the business going but I need money to get the childcare, but I don't see myself making a lot of money if I have to always take card of the kids. My oldest starts school full time in the fall, which is good but the other one will be here.

I know start ups take time but, I don't feel I have the time. I hope this fall will bring promise.

I'm still collecting unemployment while I interview. I'm not giving up on finding a job even though I've ventured on my own.

We have a little breathing room for now. My husband is doing OK with the antiques, he is also doing little legal work and we get health ins with that, our portfolio has bounced back a little bit and we are making out house payment...barely. I get scared some days. I know we'll make it but the gravel road is getting old. Even though it's a road it's very bumpy. He wouldn't like to know that I'm typing this but, I have to get it out. Luckily, there are only three followers and you are all friends and family.

Lorin

SAHM vs. WAHM

I spent a little time as a Stay-at-Home-Mom in the fall after I was laid off from my full time job. It was a lot of work. It was so very different. Stressful because of the loss of income. I did have to job hunt and go on interviews, but for the most part, I took care of the kids. When the economy dictated that I work I became a Work-at-Home-Mom. I have too tell you, the former is much easier than the latter -- for me.

As a WAHM I have to do all the stuff a SAHM does plus try to find clients, work for my clients and all the administrative stuff, too. Plus, I have two "jobs." One being my coaching and the other my non-profit. I find I loose my patience more because my to-do list is much longer. If I have only my family to tend to, I find it much easier.

As WAHM, everyone thinks that since I'm home, I have time to hang out, go shopping, one-on-one playdates and talk on the phone. To be honest, I had more time to talk to my friends when I worked full time than being at home full time.

Even my husband thinks that I can do all kinds of home care. When I used to go to the office, I still had to do home care but at least at the office, I didn't have to clean up spilled OJ, do some marketing, call the dr., go to the DMV - all with the kids.

Granted my kids are little and a bit far from all being school age. My oldest will be in full time pre-k but, my youngest will be home. And my husband wants a third. Ugh.

I wonder if I can be successful at being a mom and a business woman. There are many that argue that I will do harm to my kids because I have to park them in front of the TV for times I when need some quiet. I jump for joy at nap time for the 2 hours of uninterrupted work time. I can't do the one-on-one play time and when I take them to the library it's a quick trip - the park, too.

Where's my husband some might say? Well, he's working two gigs to help pay the bills and keep us from loosing our house. I pitches in when he can but since he's currenlty bringing in more money, I have to pull the house weight. One of the reasons I have to work is so that I can contribute to our survival and then Micheal can spend more time with the kids.

To SAHM's argument, I want to stay attached and relevant to the work world in case I want to go back full time or a full time opportunity presents itself. I know several that are having a hard time finding work after being out and their husbands are out of work, too. I also, know that when all my kids are in school it'll be hard to justify being home while they're at school.

Also, I have to argue that I love what I do. I think that I'm teaching my daughters the joy of having work that I'm passionate about. It makes me complete to have something other then my children to focus on.

The best thing about WAHM is the ability to be able to take care of my kids when they need me and I don't have to try to "get out of work" or negotiate with my husband on who should take the day off.

I like being a WAHM much more than I thought I would. I go to networking event for my social out reach, plus, I do play-dates, too.

I just hope that I can find a rhythm to my life so that I can keep my sanity while trying to make a living and take care of my kids.

5 Helpful Hints to Better Communication in Writing

Miscommunication happens all the time. A lot of it can be laughable. Most often, however, conflict or issues will arise. Some of it can be detrimental to your business or family!

Recently, I wrote an email to my EPMA colleague, Mary Ann and some dates got mixed up because I did not write clearly what I was trying to say. It was interesting because my first reaction was, "She didn't read what I wrote." But that really wasn't accurate. Even though what I wrote was clear in my head, it didn't come across clearly to her. My bad. Before I said anything I looked at what I wrote from her point of view and it was NOT clear at all. I apologized instead of blaming. Luckily, it was not serious and we could laugh about it.

In communication, it is BOTH parties responsibility to understand the message but most often there is blame. Either we say, "you didn't tell me" or "you don't listen/read." Both are right and both are wrong.

Now, I am not the best writer. I consider myself a good writer but by no means am I an excellent writer. I aspire and work on it constantly. Being a good communicator is the utmost important in business. It showcases your credibility. If you communicate poorly then you are seen as less credible in the business world and vice verse.Today, with the sheer amount of writing that we do, whether it is emails, blogs, websites, brochures, case studies or old fashioned business letters - your abilities are on display.

1. First and foremost. Make sure your sentence structure is correct, especially watch for any misplaced modifiers (i.e. "Last night I dreamt I shot an elephant in my pajamas. Why he was wearing my pajamas I'll never know.") and typing their or there for they're, etc.


2. www.drgrammar.org is a great website to help when you are writing. It is a collection of FAQ's regarding grammar and spelling.


3. I also recommend a writing class - for many of us it's been several years since we last took a class in writing and it's not like a bicycle, there are many things we forget if we don't practice. Look to your local community college for a class or workshop.


4. For goodness sake, PLEASE have someone proof read important documents that you hand out for marketing or to sell as a product. I recently received some training materials that has typos and missed words! I paid almost $1000 dollars for the materials! (She's an attorney, too!)


5. The most important, however, is remembering to be clear and concise. Less is more.

Happy communicating and before you blame others for not listening or reading - make sure you are clear in YOUR writing or talking.



Cheers, Lorin